Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
