I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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