how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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