Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
