the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
