I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
