Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
