"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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