I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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