I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
