when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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