I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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