If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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