So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
