Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
