wanna go halves on a baby?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
