i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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