The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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