I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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