Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
