my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
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