3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
