So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.