Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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