New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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