i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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