When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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