Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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