My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Blood and glitter go together right?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
