Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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