Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
