I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
