I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
love makes seman taste better
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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