dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
