He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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