you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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