well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
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He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
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Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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