Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
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Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
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I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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