Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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