well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
