my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
