Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
