Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
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I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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