Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
