he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She's the barista slut.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize
