hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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