I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
