I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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