i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I am one with the molecules
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
