I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just gargled with NyQuil
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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