all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
