Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
