the condom got lost in my hair
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
