I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
