your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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