I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
