I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize
