She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
