I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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