i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
