There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
