Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
