after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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