Pass out mid-funnel last night.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
