i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
