I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
